Monday morning

After working out how to post, all I have to do now is think what I can put on to draw the hordes of bored blog readers on a regular basis. Apart from offering cheap holidays in Spain obviously. That is primarily as I am in Coleford. That is in the Forest of Dean to the geographically challenged, a place where the mobile phone network is insufficient and if you wander off the woodland path while walking in the leafy glades you may be trampled to death by the 1000 odd wild boar. Just kidding, they are too busy eating people who walk dogs.

There was a man in the Dean,

who hadn’t so much as a bean,

fresh out of goods,

he lived in the woods,

until his hair just turned green.

well you try thinking of something to rhyme with Coleford !


Just in case there is a possibility I could offend anyone please read the following disclaimer.

This piece of Flash Fiction has been created after picking out a random word. Anyone addicted to political correctness, narrow minded or without the ability to laugh at pure fiction should stop here. I will not apologise for my weird sense of humour.


Wild Sex

Ralph woke feeling like he had been drinking tar for much of the previous evening rather than Advocat and Jack Daniels, at the suggestion of his best friend. It was initially rather difficult opening his eyes, apart from the fact the eyelids seemed almost glued together, every time light entered, his world began to spin wildly. At least rubbing his groin made him smile, it was just pity that after his first night of wild sex in maybe a year he didn’t remember much. Fortunately he could still feel the warmth of her body against his back. Turning slowly the upturn of his mouth crashed into a bottomless pit of despair. It wasn’t exactly what he was expecting, but at least she was the right sex.
Eventually he analysed what he could from the previous evening of excessive drinking. After a while he seemed to recall asking for a favour from his best friend. Some favour it had turned out to be, but then it was partially his fault. If he hadn’t been completely rat-arsed he would have had more choice, an ability to make a decision on his own.
Ralph’s sexual partner had woken and was eating fruit from the bedside table, it was difficult to tell if she was smiling or not, but at least she was still there. Possibly partially because of her obvious youth, Ralph had yet to decide whether that was a good thing but at least he hadn’t been so useless between the sheets she had left the moment he had fallen asleep. The trouble with a cavernous void in your memory is that it demands to be filled, sometimes rather forcefully, as though sanity demanded it. With no recall just how good intercourse had been he slid his hand between her legs and toyed gently. Well, that certainly made her excited, her body was almost quaking with anticipation. Ralph slid onto her, wondering just how much he had kissed her the night before. Still, looks were not everything, a couple of times in the past women of the night had seemed little more than dogs. So, this time he didn’t know her name, that was hardly surprising anyway, and her appearance was, well different. In the past he wondered about visual appearances, whether an African, Indian or Chinese woman felt or performed differently to English females, it wasn’t that different, maybe she was rather young but he wasn’t going to start shouting about his conquest from the rooftops.
Partially because of the amount of alcohol still coursing through his veins, more from the obvious confusion, it took a little while to raise an erection but penetration was rewarding, hot and tight. As he slid over her chest and forced his penis deep inside her body, strong arms pulled him tight and she squealed loudly. Geoff almost laughed, maybe size did matter. Not the comparative proportion of their bodies either. As she was so much smaller, as his pelvis bounced gently against hers he was unable to kiss her lips, not that he was worried about it.
After fifteen minutes Geoff decided that making love to an angel had a disadvantage, he was usually so wired sex lasted under five. As their bodies began to bounce madly Geoff wondered just how much her screaming could be heard next door. Not that he had any intention of backing off, the sensation was far too rewarding. Gradually he rose to a climax, unable to control the way his body moved, his back feeling a little bruised as his partner had been expressing her excitement by pounding him a little too vigorously than most other women he had made love to, ever. Eventually he rolled off, grinning as though he had just laid Madonna.
Reaching out he picked up his mobile. “Jerry you are a fucking arsehole.” There was raucous laughter at the other end. “I seem to recall that I said if I gave you a monkey could you find me a decent prostitute.” Briefly he paused for thought, glancing at the female that seemed to be almost chuckling beside him. The dark hair that thickly covered her entire body seemed to be glistening, probably from his own sweat. It was a little disconcerting that her mouth was so wide and her lips hardly soft and smooth. But that was quite normal for a Chimpanzee. “How the hell am I going to get her back to the zoo?”

No animals were harmed or experimented on while researching this story.

Starting up

This is my first attempt at blogging, but what the hell.

I am trying to raise my profile as an author, that means I want to get recognised, rich and famous can come next month. So I am offering the odd free book, I have written well over thirty after all. All I need, empasis on all, is to collect followers interested in reading, or writing for that matter. Browse this site, and the main one, and tell your friends too, please!

I did say all I needed was to collect followers! Well a month on and it doesn’t appear to be a rapid process, no doubt I am too hard to find on Amazon etc. Ho hum, still, undetered I am about to target my database of petrol heads. Fingers crossed.